None of my brokenness darkens or diminishes¹ my worth.
None of my brokenness is able to put an end to the unfailing love You have for me that seeks my company and my return to relationship with You.
Yes, like Israel, and like Gomer, I am ruined, broken, desperate, lost, but You love me here. You understand why I am here. You alone know the severity of sin’s ruin in my life. You alone see every little circumstance and thought that has led me to this place. And You love me to the very depths of who I am.
The reading of Hosea has been hard to hear. It’s dispiriting when over and over I read how ruined humanity is, yet I know it has led me to discover this –
As deep as Your offense toward sin has been, there is a deeper depth of Your love revealed.
It is a glorious mystery that You would love me as You do and consider me worthy of Your love.
The truth of this is barely believable to this heart that spends its lifetime seeking worth from others, yet never really finding satisfaction in what I get.
Yet this is what I know – I, as an imperfect parent, have an incredibly deep love for my children. I love them, end of story. I long for the best in them. I am their greatest cheerleader in life. I am heart-bonded to them with some kind of unexplainable emotional ties that I don’t really comprehend. I get to support and walk alongside them. I know them. I know how they will respond, how they are thinking and feeling even without them saying a word. I feel deeply the things that make them sad, and I grieve the decisions that I see that will bring unwanted consequences in their lives.
Though imperfect, so great is my love for them, that never once do I think they are unworthy of my love. Their infinite value and preciousness to me means that I cannot see them any other way than as worthy recipients of my love. Do they deserve it always? No! Deserving something and valuing something are two completely different things. Often I can be abused by them. They can be ungrateful and needy and selfish. Sometimes I can be deeply hurt by what I give out to them and receive non-appreciation, little acknowledgment, and few positive responses back. But their person is so valued and so precious to me, that I am heart and soul compelled to love them, and compelled by love for them. Their value makes them worthy of my love. Worthy does not mean they (nor I), am blameless, without fault, guiltless, or innocent. It does not mean that their character is flawless. It means, that despite these things, their value to me is so highly regarded, that I see them as worthy. I understand from my human parenting how then this is true of You toward me.
The voice I have heard all my life is “not worthy”.
From myself, I’ve felt unworthy. From others, the hurtful words spoken, or the disinterest, the lack of preciousness felt, has all said to my heart that I am not valued as I long to be. And from my religious upbringing – I have been told I am a sinner. Not worthy of God’s grace. The emphasis has been on my sin, which has always been combined with my person so that I have never known that who I am is of worth. There was no separation made between the two. But what I now understand is that You are heart and soul compelled to love me, and compelled by love for me, just as I am for my children. The truth is that You delight in me, smile at my presence in this world, and enjoy who I am. I don’t understand that I could be considered worthy, but I know that I am.
Your love can be viewed similarly to that of a lover. The love that one has for the other. The value they see in that one. The longing they have to be with them in relationship. The desire to spend time with them. The way they know that one so intimately, that they can read their mind, know what they are thinking, respond before the other one even asks. The fulfillment they feel in that one’s company, the friendship they enjoy. When things go wrong, the desire they have to mend it quickly. The willingness to forgive. The distress and grief of being out of sorts with that one. Do they not see the other as the one they want to give of their love to, even when things go wrong? Is it not true that the value they hold for that one, drives them from a desire within to give their love to this person they consider worthy, just as You see me as worthy – the One who is the Lover of my soul?
God, You asked Hosea to love Gomer as You loved her (Hosea 3:1, NIV), to see in her the worth that You saw in her. In who she was created to be. The value of her. The preciousness of her person. The goodness in her as a beloved human-being. You asked Hosea to never let her drift into unworthiness in his eyes, despite her ruin.
So when I am considering how I view myself in how ruined I am, and I feel so thoroughly ruined, it is not my person that has lost value or worth in Your eyes. My worth has not been ruined, my goodness in your eyes has not been ruined, but my thoughts, my decisions, my actions, my responses, my intentions, my emotions, my inclinations – have been. Sin has infested every fibre of my being, that I am lost in it, and in my eyes that makes me worthless, useless and wretched, in the way that I cannot help but be defined and controlled by my ruin. It has made me blind and lost toward You, not even desiring You, and to always be inclined and influenced towards its continual perversion of me.
And yet there is this truth that my heart has longed to hear, that I am loved so greatly, and so valued, that You would say, “you ARE worthy of My love”.
My heart has needed to know this!
¹I loved these words from William, P. Young’s novel, Eve, Howard Books, 2015