What was it that caused you, Judas, to say yes to the invitation offered to walk with the man, Jesus? What drew you to him?
Were you perhaps just in the way of things when he was calling out and naming his disciples? Were you an observer in the crowd? Did people say that you had that look about you where they took a second glance? Noticed you? And perhaps Jesus just noticed you, and called you out?
Or, had you had conversation with Jesus before the naming? Did you know him? And if so, how? How did you come to be in his company? Were you dining, drinking, laughing, and dancing among the sinners when he noticed you? Did your eyes lock? Did he seek out your company? Did he talk with you, like no one had talked with you before in this way? And, in doing so, did you feel accepted, loved, in a different way to the way you were needed and accepted by your rebel group of friends?
Or was it the whispers of revolution? That this one was somehow to be the Saviour of the people of Israel, those oppressed and enslaved to the, Mighty Roman Empire. Did you always find yourself saying those 3 hated words with a hiss of indignancy? And these whispers had you curious, and so you started to spend your time in his company watching and listening to this new teacher and his teaching?
I wonder if you were placed? Did your Sicarii faction hear information about this new revolutionary Jesus figure, and had you tail him to see what his politics were? Would he be for or against the Sicarii? Was he a threat? And so, did you infiltrate the groups that were closest to Jesus and had yourself elected as one of his disciples? Were you good at that? Had years of violence, guerilla warfare and survival techniques taught you how to blend in yet stand out and be noticed? Did you have the ability to find yourself in significant places at significant times, meaning Jesus would notice you and want you on his team?
I wonder Judas, had you killed before? Being part of this revolutionary extremist political group of Jews, who hid mostly in the mountains surrounding Israel only to come out on the occasion to revolt against a particular new law set by the Romans, or to ambush legends on their way to the small towns to collect taxes. You ran with murderers and assassins, the Sicarii, you were called, the fiercest and most extreme of the political groups of the time. Your fellow Sicarii were equally as tough and violent as you were, but, I wonder, did you have special skills?
How many times had the blade of your sword pierced through the heart of another? How many lives had you sacrificed or taken in the name of the Sicarii? Of the revolution? Of a better, freer Israel? How many people had you betrayed to have yourself placed in a position of influence, or for the greater good of the cause?
I wonder Judas, as you ran with your extremist comrades, how many Roman camps you had looted, even stealing from those of your own people who had a different agenda to the Sicarii, making the excuse that they were hindering the revolution that would come through the force of your group? Were you left in charge of the money, stolen, to fund the cause and to buy the weapons and food and information required to keep the Sicarii revolution moving forward? Did you have a way with the books? Did you steal a little for yourself from time to time – I mean, were you invaluable to them and so a little reward for your skill never bothered your conscience? Did you feel that you deserved the extra money?
Judas, what went on in your heart as you walked with Jesus? In your mind were you frustrated with his kindness but also drawn to it? Did you see the power that went out from Jesus as potential power to be harnessed to bring your cause into play in a greater way? Did the words he say challenge you or empower you? Did sometimes you just feel like shaking him to help him see the influence he could have if only he would stop being so compassionate to all … including the Romans? Did your mind get excited when Jesus stood up to the Pharisees, thinking this man really does have the backbone to lead the revolution?
Yes, perhaps your mind saw Jesus as the Saviour of the Jewish nation, bringing the Roman oppression to an end.
But your heart, oh your heart, did the feelings that Jesus stirred up inside you weaken your resolve to fight in the violent way you were accustomed to? Did the ways of Jesus, and his talk about the Kingdom confuse you? Were they upside-down compared to your lifestyle and way of bringing things about? Were you made to feel uncertain about your Sicarii way? Were you touched by Love?
I wonder what first drew you to the Sicarii? Were you an ambitious youth, keen for your people to be freed from the pain of oppression? Were you hurt by a particular Roman soldier whose cruelty kept the Roman Empire in power? Did a family member, a father or brother get singled out and made an example of by these cruel Roman oppressors as they did their tour of duty through the towns keeping law and order and enforcing taxes? Did your sweet mother, or perhaps sister get taken and shamed by a vile Roman guard, and you weren’t there to protect her?
Were the Zealots not ruthless enough for you? Did their debates and protests not achieve enough, quick enough? Did their politicking not get the results you wanted?
What was it that made you a mercenary? And how skilled had you become in your craft of killing and raiding and ambushing to get your revenge, or in order to get your personal, and national, revolution pushed? Did the style of bringing change by the Sicarii suit your vendetta? How involved were you in inciting riots, violently attacking Romans and Roman sympathizers, doing whatever was necessary, even committing atrocities to rouse the Jews into war against the Romans?
Judas, when you traveled with Jesus, when you walked with him, did you still carry your dagger, your sicae, beneath your cloak? When you witnessed the Pharisees making deals with the Romans, and taking bribes, were you tempted to pull out your dagger as you had done in the past, and punish these religious traitors for betraying the nation? And what about Matthew? How did you cope walking alongside Matthew – a traitor, and tax collector – one who was the middleman between your people and the Romans? Could you stand him? Did you ever just want to take your blade out and quench your thirst for revenge on him? What stopped you?
Judas, how easy was it for you to fall back into your normal way of doing things, into the way of the Sicarii, when you betrayed Jesus? Accepting money as you had done in the past for the betrayal of someone, then blending into the crowd to escape detection?
I wonder Judas, were you there, among the 12 as a Sicarii spy, sneaking off often to report the political activities of Jesus to the leaders of your faction? It seemed that the other disciples knew something was ‘off’ about you! Did they perhaps suspect you of not being a true follower, but rather alongside for offhanded reasons? Did they trust you? It seems not. It seems like you remained on the outer with the disciples, while Jesus was different – seeking you out, enjoying your company, trusting but knowing, yet still seeing you as friend.
Judas, how did you feel when Jesus looked at you? I mean, that look he gave you, the one when you talked about wasting money and when you took some for yourself from the treasury as you had always done, that piercing look as if he knew? Not in condemnation, rather just in a knowing way, an understanding way, a foretelling, maybe foreboding way, like Jesus knew something about your intwined future with him? And then there was that night, the night before, where you feasted with the other 11 and Jesus, and he said things and did things that made you uncomfortable because you already knew what you had done and it was like he did too. And then Jesus gave you permission to go ahead with what you had already set in motion. Judas, what was in your mind, and more importantly what was in your heart? Had you, had the Sicarii decided that Jesus was too weak to be your hoped-for Saviour? Had you all decided that he sympathized too much with the people and would never do the extremist deeds required to bring about war and the ultimate overthrow of the Romans? Was he too peaceable? Did your final secret meeting before the night of Jesus death decide his fate? Did the discussion come to the conclusion that you, as the successful infiltrator of the inner group, and trusted friend of Jesus, would betray him, hand him over, remove him? Was Jesus popularity among the crowds standing in the way of your plans?
Judas were you put there for the purpose of trailing, reporting and then betraying, and never a true disciple? A spy with an agenda? An infiltrator with the permission to end the life of this, this, this Jesus, if he stood in the way of the cause?
But it seems Judas, that Jesus did get in the way of the cause. He at least got in the way of your own personal cause and agenda against the Romans and anyone else. And when you finally found yourself in the place of betrayal, which in time past had fueled you with power and thrill and purpose, now made you feel sick to the stomach. It seems you did what was required of you, what had been decided and discussed by the Sicarii, but this time, for the first time, with doubt and regret, so much so that you changed your mind and you tried to undo what you had done, and when it was met with refusal and a room full of religious hate and anger, you failed both the Sicarii and Jesus, and you failed yourself, and the brokenness inside of you led you to the only possible solution…for if the Sicarii were to find out you had reneged, and if they discovered your change of heart and softening towards this one with a mark on his head, and if the religious leaders had marked you out as dangerous and one who would potentially destroy the plan for the removal of this unwanted problem, and if Jesus knew you betrayed him, and if the disciples found out, and if your family heard, and if the people discovered it, well, there was no other way out than to take your own life. Was there?
And so, you did.
Deep, soul-destroying regret. Deep fear that you betrayed Jesus, who was indeed the Saviour, of a different kind. And even more so, you betrayed a friend. Agonizing mental conflict over the Sicarii way and Jesus’ way. Backed into a dark dark corner, where there was no return. What had you done?
30 dirty pieces of silver!
I wonder if you were commissioned to be the assassin? To get close and kill Jesus yourself, but you couldn’t, you had come to know Jesus, and was your betrayal to the Pharisees plan number two? You wouldn’t actually be to blame. You would merely point out who Jesus was, and so, you kissed the face of God, identifying him as the one who was to be betrayed. To be taken. To be killed. Someone else would do it. You could not. Not this time.
Judas, had you felt Love? Was the betrayal of Love the hardest of all? Did your brokenness disallow you from seeking that Love even though you knew that it would forgive, accept, love, welcome?
You placed the rope around your neck. You pushed aside those feelings of hope that Love could indeed be all it needed to be for you, and you clung to the feelings of there being no other way out, and you took a step forward … would you be free from all your guilt and your violent lifestyle? Or would you be damned forever?
Judas …? Oh Judas, how Jesus must have ached for you. You were loved.
Are loved.