Yesterday, I went to a 90th birthday, a person whom I have known for 40 years, mum of a friend. I have always liked this family and their beautiful quirky chaos. They and their guests were people from my earlier years, many, many of my years lived alongside these people. They are good people, who are hardworking, servant-type, people of faith, with good intentions and strong convictions. They are who I aligned myself with for much of my 20s-40s. You could say that they were my spiritual home and family. They were who I went to church with, and shared the same beliefs and lifestyle.
Probably in my 40s, I started to feel like this exclusive group of people whose belief was that we needed to separate ourselves from the world to not be drawn into the behaviours and lifestyles that didn’t align with the behaviours and beliefs of our brand of faith, and for much of Christianity, didn’t fit me. Yet they were the keepers of my faith, the watch-dogs to protect me from spiritual harm, to make sure I didn’t fall away, but who also shared love for God and his ways – at least how they interpreted it, as did I …
Around about that time also, while I was changing within, through one of my boys I met another person, and group of people, and my eyes and my world expanded. I was so so thankful to him and his family-coaching ethic for my boy who was repelled by these very limiting beliefs I had, and wanted out. He loved and guided him into his sport, and life, and so much of that has made him into the amazing man, my son is now. My church people wouldn’t have approved of this company, many who were of the ‘rough sort’, and whose love of martial arts was deemed violent, rather than a disciplined combat sport. My heart was broken and desperate over and over during those tumultuous years of this son’s early and mid-teens, where many times we were at war with him and often didn’t even know where he was. Yet God provided this man and his ‘family’ to help him! He, who was not even part of our exclusive spiritual family – the one’s that made my son feel caged in, with all the don’t to this and don’t do that’s – that were part of our world. Already, he could see what we couldn’t – that God and his family of humanity, people outside of the church, are beautiful, amazing, glorious people, that aren’t a threat or a danger to our faith, but in fact can enlarge it beyond our dreams.
Yesterday, when I also went to a 50th birthday, and all the other events/parties/birthdays/fight nights etc, that I have been to that are this world, it should not be a surprise to me, but it always pleasantly is, that in these places, with these people, his people, his family, this martial arts world and beyond, I feel at home, at ease, in tune, desirous to be there and amongst them, deeply touched emotionally and spiritually, hugged hugged to my very core (like they are so glad that I am there), more faith-filled, more thankful to God, and more loved, than I have ever felt with those who were my spiritual family for much of my childhood and adult life. I deeply love God and my faith is very important to me, and I find it at home and expressed through this big family who may not even necessarily have a faith in God to speak of. How much I have learned through this!
I respect the people of my past. I don’t want to be down on them. They are precious people of my life’s story. And some, I would say I am friends with, at least very good acquaintances with. I grew up in all ways with them, they were part of helping me know and love God like I do, and in a way I know they can’t see how limiting and small their exclusivity is. In their company yesterday, I felt removed, like I had outgrown them and their ways. Like they were stuck in a time and a belief that just doesn’t fit like this other group does to me. Moving out from this world, I love that my eyes and my world and my faith has been opened and is big and inclusive of people, of humanity in all they have to offer. I have come to see that God’s people is humanity – all people, all loved, all precious, none either in or out, all in, and they are not to be kept at arm’s length, they are not a threat to my ‘salvation’ (that’s another day’s blog), and, where I can find a place amongst humanity that loves and welcomes and cares and helps me, who know that I love God and are neither a threat to me, nor are they threatened by that, well, that feels like a spiritual home.
I’ve been perplexed and at loss over ‘church’. I have moved out of many of my beliefs. They don’t fit anymore, and the people that still hold to these would say I have fallen out, and slidden away from the truth. I know I haven’t. I just know more than I did back then. Still, not having a people to share my beliefs and heart with has left a hole. I have not known how to fill this hole. I don’t pray here with these people (though there is often a karakia), I don’t sing here (though there are often songs to sing along to), I don’t get teaching here (though I do get to have some pretty amazing spiritual discussions), but yesterday I experienced ‘church’ among some pretty special friends, it felt spiritual to me, and that I am grateful for to them.