The Presence

Remember the roll call at school?

The small town that was our home, consisted of not much more than two public bars, a dairy, a butcher, a hairdresser, a garage, a caravan manufacturer, an athletics park, a small grocery store – and a primary school. I remember school with its strict routines of the day beginning with the roll call. We were instructed how to answer. There was to be no silliness: disrespect was not tolerated. The teacher told us, and we all knew the rule, that we were to answer to our name with the word, “present”. If there were no reply, the teacher would look up from her roll book to the silence before her, quickly allowing her eyes to search the class and note that the child was “absent”. It was all very formal. But present meant that we were there, at least in body, and in the type of schooling I attended, we were required to be mentally attentive or present also. Knuckles were slapped if there were a day-dreamer (one who was present in body but not in mind), and if it continued, there were consequences like writing lines or worst of all, a visit to the Principal, a letter home, and so on. We were expected, required, enforced to be present. 

In other ways, in my growing up years, being present came with other rules also. To be present in a group of adults meeting with any kind of serious intent required bodily presence, but not words, “children are to be seen but not heard” was a common phrase. We knew the boundaries of respect and the consequences of stepping over them.

Why I use the examples from my childhood is that they give a picture of being present or absent, there or not there, there but in body form only, not really there, not really attentive, not really interacting, or a passive presence. If everyday we were to do a roll call and call out God’s name, He would answer “present” always, never missing a day, never missing a roll call. And if we were to wonder what He was doing, He would never require a slap on the hand for day-dreaming, his attention having wandered off us, because His eyes and His care is always towards us. And wherever we find ourselves, whatever life brings, God is not just there, and choosing to be silent, He is active not passive, always ready to answer when we call. We are not in a constant schoolyard or serious meeting that questions His presence or His activity and attentiveness. In other words, He is here present with us always. And His presence is attentive toward us.

The importance of this is that the words spoken or unspoken, the stories shared by my girlfriends, reveal a recurrent theme: aloneness. It is deep emotional loneliness. The feeling of being soul-alone. They have an absence of the attentiveness and emotional security needed by us as human beings. They have a yearning within for someone to be present in their lives. The presence of someone who is faithful and wholly committed in an unconditional, no matter what, way. Someone who knows them deeply, and loves them to the depths of their being, and whose faithful, constant present provides the, “I’ll be there for you” security they long for. They are looking for emotional rest, looking to relieve the weariness that comes from the constant striving to fulfill their emotional need of aloneness, with someone who will be present always. They are destitute of sympathetic companionship that really counts. 

It is said that there is no true antonym or opposite to loneliness, but there are feelings that we have encountered, now and then, that give us the glimpse of an absence of it.  Marina Keegan, in her collection of essays and stories “The Opposite of Loneliness” writes, “It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; its just this feeling that there are people…who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When its 4am and no one goes to bed…” 

This blog was started as a journey in the discovery of God’s love. Of all the things I have thus far discovered, ‘God is present’, is the most life-changing for me. God’s Presence, His unchanging, unfailing nature of “present-love”, love that is always with me, is a truth that is beginning to penetrate the depths of my being and making a difference deep within.  Marina Keegan described it as that feeling of someone who has your back, who values you enough to stay, who enjoys your companionship, and I am discovering this God, this present-love that “is for us not against us”, “will never leave us or forsake us”, “will not allow anything to separate us from Him”, “will carry on with us until all is complete” is the someone we are looking for.

There is a fascinating word study in the story of Moses in Exodus 33:12-17

“Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.” 1The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?” And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

I’d never noticed before the word “Presence” as capitalized.  It is a noun used. A naming word, literally. It is used here by God which makes it significant. It is the name He calls Himself, and then is used immediately after by Moses in response to this name as if to say, “If you are the Presence, the Present One, then You must come with me to be true to Your name. Do not send me up from here, if You are not true to Your name – Presence”. And God’s reply is “I am Presence, present always with you. I will go with you”.

Moses was asking for someone to go with him who would help him lead the nation of Israel. “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said…” 

The job asked seemed overwhelming and the mountainous task ahead, insurmountable. He was scared. Failure, inadequacy, incompetence, fear of messing up, not being up to the task, out of his depth, drowning – were some of the overwhelming feelings he was obviously experiencing. In desperation, he pleads with God to give him someone to go with him – to be there to share the task and the burden of it, for support and back up, to just be present alongside. 

I’m sure Moses was thinking a man, “but you have not let me know whom”  – a physical and able man. A person who had all that was needed to fill the gaps, and be the support that Moses felt he needed. But God replies him with, “My Presence will go with you”. I don’t think Moses realised (nor do I) that the Presence of God is more Present by far, than the physical and able presence of any human. Presence means so much more than “with”. God’s Presence is accompanied by His plans and purposes, His Love, His goodness, His faithfulness, His power, His ability to do as He has said He would do, His inability to fail us, His promises, and so much more. Moses doesn’t get this. He will. But he doesn’t yet. 

God tells Moses, “I know you by name”. It is a very relational statement, saying, “I am with you, personally. I know who you are. I know what you think. I know why you do the things you do. I know what you are feeling. I. Know. You. And I am with you”.

What more – or who more – could we ask for to be present alongside us? Do I even get it – the implications, the love that is present with me and what that really means for me?

Was this unique for Moses’ experience? No!

It was true for Joshua. “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5, NIV).

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, the Judges, the Kings, and the Israelites were all promised: “I will be with you”. Was it therefore, merely a nation of Israel promise? No!

Jesus said to his disciples, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20, NIV). And then for us included He says, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you” (John 14:16-17, NIV).

God has said, “never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5, NIV).

Nothing “…will be able to separate us from the love of God” (Romans 8:39,NIV) .

Moses’ fear of failure, the inadequacy he felt for the job ahead of him, the feelings of drowning in life, and being tested to the limit – were all very real. As they are for me. 

Moses wasn’t just a great man with great skills who led a nation of people. He had personal and emotional hardships to deal with inwardly. As I do.

He was a man with questions about his identity and value, being born Israelite and raised Egyptian – soul deep questions. Questions that I understand.

He was a man who felt he didn’t have what it took to do the task asked, his inadequacies and poor self-worth spoke loud to his spirit, causing him to question God’s purpose for him. Feelings very very familiar to me.

And he was a man who faced terrible struggles, real life struggles. Just as I do.

But the Presence of God, God the Presence, the Present One, promised to be with him. God was with him. And Present with him – when Moses finally let it be his truth – defined him, gave him the ability to lead a nation, and gave him what his soul needed to face all the hard-times ahead. It moved him from being someone who questioned God, had little knowledge of who He was, to being called the friend of God (Exodus 33:11, NIV) – one who knew and walked with God, intimately, who had his soul filled with the presence of God. Moses learned that he was never alone.

Romans 8:31-37, answers the unasked, but obvious questions of Moses and of us, will I be successful or will I fail? When it gets tough in life, will God still be there? If I stuff up, or in the hardest of times, will He still be alongside me? Will His face still be turned towards me in favour?  Paul answers the questions, “If God is for us, who can be against us? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us”. These verses are, if you like, the answer to our personal roll call. He is present, always.  

God knew that when sin, evil, ruin, brokenness, pain, disaster, entered the world that it would cause separation feelings. He knew that it would be important that Someone, the Present One, remain close and be there through all the mess until it is sorted – and we return to Him, living in the full Presence of Him again.

He knew I would need closeness when abandoned. Nearness, when forsaken. Togetherness, when separated and estranged. Connected, when disconnected. Attached in love, when detached. Present, not absent. And so, He has remained and will remain forever close. It is the very nature of Him to do so – to stay. 

“Close to the broken-hearted” (Psalm 34:18, NIV).

“Near to all who call on Him” (Psalm 145:18, NIV).

Presence is more than just a place where God is, more than just His proximity, it is His Name. It is who He is. He cannot change. He will not go against His name or His character. He is faithful to who He is. He is near! His answer when I call out His name is always “Present”, when I feel alone is “Present”, when I need help is “Present”.

Oh soul who has felt so alone, let this truth fill you up…

Continued in next week’s Blog…

Were you there?

How does one deal with the events of 15.3.19? 

If I were atheist, I could just blame the evil of man. And it would be as simple as that. But I am Christian – one who believes in both the Sovereignty and Perfect Love of God.

Sovereignty and Love struggle to mesh in my head when bad stuff happens, and instead of finding myself in possession of understanding and trust, there is an unsettling and perplexing turmoil within.

My head and my heart have been shattered by the force of emotions that have assaulted my country this week: the merciless killing of 50 of our people, in their house of worship, through one misguided man’s actions. Actions arising from an evil belief that his humanity was of greater worth than theirs. Not only did he take the lives of 50 people, but he also left many wounded, robbing families and friends of their loved ones, leaving thousands emotionally scarred, producing fear within, creating instability in the security of our country. How can you add up the damage, or count the lives that have been affected by this one man? And although there is seen around the country and the world, a coming together of peoples, a stand against racism, love instead of hate, forgiveness, a show of solidarity, damage has been done!

Not only have I been gut-sick, filled with disbelief and grief, I have also found myself quick to go to that place of confusion again. Quick to be tempted to blame God for the evil of man. Why do I do that? 

Like a lion loosed from its cage, angry and hungry, the questions about God is Love have clawed their way destructively through my mind, again. Ripping open wounds of confusion, again. Exposing the pain of living in a world of suffering and evil, again. Dragging me out of the peace I have had, and attempting to devour all I know to be true, again. I am trying to hold on to a faith that believes at its core that God is love.

I’m 37 Blogs in on this journey into understanding the love of God, and this past week the truth of this is severely tested. The questions that have been silenced somewhat by the things I have been learning, forming a new belief within, raise their screaming voices again – Why did this happen? Where were you? If you are God is Love, why did you not stop it? How can a powerful and loving God allow this horrific suffering? Did you turn your face away? Why did you abandon these people in their time of need? Did you not see the horror? Did you not hear the screams? Did you not watch as the blood flowed and life was taken?

And out from these questions come that underlying thought that I usually dare not voice, the one I leave hidden in the back of my mind. It pushes through any divine respect I have and today refuses to stay quiet, “God, are you cruel? To have the power to stop something, to claim to be all loving, and yet allow this tragedy to happen, labels you cruel. Doesn’t it?”

Doesn’t it?

Why is it that I am tempted to think God is cruel for this evil, when in fact it was humanity’s cruelty? The answer is always related to the confusion of, “If God, being all-powerful, is also a loving God, why does He allow evil and suffering?”

I don’t understand.

Yet my emotion while needing to be expressed, cannot be allowed for too long to have its way. The lion must be trapped and caught. You see, I do believe God is Love, and so the truth that my heart needs to listen to, rather than the roar of this unwelcome predator – in the confusion of all I have witnessed and felt this week – is truth that I know will settle and calm the rage, that will send the lion back into its cage, and bolt the door shut again, starving it of life and energy. It cannot and does not answer the question of suffering and evil. That will continue to remain unanswered for now, or at least remain clouded in uncertainty. All I can really do to deal with this tragedy is fall on what I do know. On what is clear. That which is without doubt. Truth that says,

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. Psalm 23:4 

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care…So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. Matthew 10:29,31

“[He is]…the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles”. 2 Corinthians 1:3 

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39

“For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.” Psalm 22:24

And in being here, with us, tells me this: here means present. It means that God, instead of sitting as removed and absent from us, steps down to be amongst us, walks alongside us in the messiness and brokenness and evil that we find ourselves in, grieves as we grieve, and refuses to let evil win. Jesus is “God with us” and having experienced all of what it is to be human, He remains close, identifies in our humanity, He is here with us.

As I await my emotions to settle into a place of safety again, though I may never be the same, I commit myself to this truth. For many, the confusion of this week will cause them to turn away. The questions too hard. The pain too great. 

While the shout of accusation is spat, God! Why? your whisper is heard, “Who do you say I am? Am I love or am I cruel? Am I an absent and abandoning God, or am I with you always? Am I good or am I evil? Will you believe or will you walk away?” And I must answer,  “Lord, to whom shall [I] go? You have the words of eternal life. [I] have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:68-69

Protection or Presence?

Does God protect me from harm? Should I pray to ask Him to do so? Does He promise to protect me? Can I expect it? These questions have been a personal debate and dispute for much of my faith journey. 

How often we pray for protection! How often we think God doesn’t do a good enough job of protection and so we take control of our lives and the lives of our loved ones. We put rules and barriers in place to protect from harm, both physically and emotionally. We cry out, “God protect them!” longing for the absence or removal of any kind of trouble, harm and attack from our lives. 

Is it correct to have a picture of being wrapped by God in some kind of spiritual bubble wrap that hedges us from all the misfortune of a fallen world? Or should I expect to have my own special armoured body-guard angel walking in front of me welding his sword, to fend off all trouble? Think about it! Really think about it! Imagine it! With every possible scenario that potentially comes our way, it would be an impossible task to do so! The only way would be for a Divine Being to remove all trouble but that is not our world right here and now – at least not yet. When harm does befall us, we are quick to doubt God and hear that nagging never-ending whisper of accusation, You can’t really be trusted. And, we are equally quick to blame Him for being cruel to have allowed something to happen that He could’ve or should’ve protected us from. Then come the questions, Why would a loving God not step in and stop it? Are You really good? Why didn’t You protect me from this? We can find ourselves buying into the blessing-curses belief that we must’ve done something wrong and so God removed His protection from us, followed by getting caught up in trying to be good enough to obtain back the favour of His protection.

The heresies of my past say, “have nothing to do with” 2 Timothy 3:2-5, or, “come out and be separate” 2 Corinthians 6:17. Though these are indeed verses to be found in scripture, what they were, were beliefs formed to protect and control, providing a false sense of security (and perhaps where my confusion stems from). These beliefs claimed that if I got myself and my loved ones inside hedges of do’s and don’ts, with the perspective of only associating with those inside and keeping all others outside, we would be safe. But stuff still happened, even within these religious, seemingly well-protected walls.

Is God out there moving this obstacle and that, fending off all potential harmers? I don’t believe so. Heck, sometimes He seems to even invite us to follow Him into places of trouble, like when Jesus said, “let’s cross over to the other side of the lake” Matthew 8:18,23-27, and the disciples followed but found themselves in a storm the likes of which they had never faced before. But did they experience protection here? The storm did calm at Jesus’ command, just like ours do in time, but what was it they learned – that God protects? I’m not so sure.

We say to God, “but You promised to protect us!” Did He? 

The Psalmist of 91 seemed to believe so –

“The Lord will keep you safe from secret traps and deadly diseases. He will spread his wings over you and keep you secure. His faithfulness is like a shield or a city wall. You won’t need to worry about dangers at night or arrows during the day. And you won’t fear diseases that strike in the dark or sudden disaster at noon. You will not be harmed, though thousands fall all around you. And with your own eyes you will see the punishment of the wicked. The Lord most High is your fortress. Run to him for safety, and no terrible disasters will strike you or your home…The Lord says, “If you love me and truly know who I am, I will rescue you and keep you safe. When you are in trouble, call out to me. I will answer and be thereto protect and honor you…”

What exactly did this Psalmist believe? Was this the cry of the heart or was it theology about who God is and what He does and doesn’t do? Was this the promise of protection to a nation under the covenant of cursings and blessings?  Is it the promise to me today? How come I find myself in danger or trouble so often? In the Bible, I see suffering, and persecution, and extreme poverty and trials – terrible circumstances faced by believers. Circumstances that test them to the very limits, even to death. So what was the Psalmist thinking? I know God can protect, and many stories attest to this, but can it be expected of Him in our lives? 

There is something else I see as a common thread. It is a promise of God – the promise of His presence, His Present-Love. This weaves through both New and Old Testaments where we are told that nothing can separate us from the love of God Romans 8:35,38-39, Isaiah 43:2. Does it claim we won’t be harmed or kept from trouble, or does it promise that when all of this is going on around us, the Almighty God of the Universe, the Lover of our Souls, is there alongside?

There seems to be both protection-promises and presence-promises. Protection suggests that harm is removed. To be preserved from injury or harm. To guard or defend. Presence suggests close or with. It suggests a relationship. That this One is alongside me in all that I face. It suggests the ability to get through, a strength beyond my own self, the development of character that is priceless gained only through hard times, it promises peace that passes understanding. It seems that sometimes (and not often enough in our view) we are bodily and/or emotionally protected from harm, but we always, always have the presence of God with us.

We live in a fallen world – full of potential to ruin and harm us, and for trouble to come our way. I hear people pray, “protect them from harm, protect my loved ones”, and I want that too, oh how I want it. I don’t want harm to come on my children. I don’t want trouble for myself. But I know that God has not taken us out of this harm-filled, evil world, and so I find I cannot pray this prayer with any confidence that God will answer it. But I have prayed this. In days past I have pleaded, God “please protect my loved ones, please protect me” (fear-filled prayers, perhaps from a lack of understanding of how safe we really are). And then I have sought to control their worlds and mine in an attempt to help God out! Sometimes and often though, the circumstances are way beyond control, and though I may claim protection-promises, I end up often disillusioned and disappointed with God.

Julian of Norwich, an anchorite of 700 years ago (someone who, for religious reasons, withdraws from secular society so as to be able to lead an intensely prayer-oriented, monk-like focused life), seemed to wrestle with these same thoughts. Perhaps on the same journey to understand, separated by hundreds of years, she said this, “If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love” (Revelations of Divine Love)I love that. Love – the precious love that Julian talks of – is there in our falling and rising. Though I cannot understand why God doesn’t use His divine wand to take away harm or to at least protect me from it, I love the thought that He is there alongside. I love that He has walked with my children, with my loved ones, with my girlfriends through the darkest times when protection would’ve been desirable and the lack of is not understood, but where God was faithfully present. (“You need to know I am still wrestling with this though, God!”)

A few years ago, I walked a sacred journey with a dear girlfriend. Abuse, divorce, and fear in her childhood had kept her broken, confused, and disillusioned. The pain within was crippling and destructive. In a personal revelation of supernatural love, God showed her that He had been alongside in those moments of her painful past. He revealed His heart to her: grieving, deeply distressed by the events which had ruined much of her emotional childhood. We may ask why didn’t He stop it if He were there present? I don’t know. I don’t know. But I do know that I witnessed in her a deep healing as He revealed His physical presence there. She saw Him there beside her. There was much she didn’t understand. There were many whys in her life. There were cruelty and destruction and brokenness and trouble and pain experienced in her young years, but the knowledge of His presence, and of the pain of His heart, was what released her pain and set her free. So why was the knowledge of His presence enough to heal and to quiet the “why didn’t you stop it?” questions that had been felt painfully for so much or her life?

Is it fair or reasonable to suggest that it is possible that presence, is more powerful than protection? With more potential to heal? A future glory perspective? A greater ability for greater things? – you know, like character, patience, trust, peace, faith – all those things that are treasures to God, but are pain-inflictors that we cry out to be protected from. Fear even, is dispersed in the presence of Perfect Love…1 John 4:18 There is so much fear in our lives…

Sometimes I wonder in my musings if I am just making excuses for God, because the reality is, I want the protection. I don’t really have the powerful, potential, future perspective, perfect love view of my world, as God does. Have I found suitable reasoning for something that I don’t understand just to satiate my confusion? In reality, I find I don’t have enough clarity to answer or satisfy this question. I am glad for the presence of God, I don’t want the harm, and long for the protection I know He is able to give. But I do have this to offer – harm, pain, the past, the cruelty, the poverty, the brokenness, the destruction does not defeat us. We are more than conquerors. Not just conquerors. More than! More means greater than, extra, a larger amount. The presence of God is with us, it conquers, trumps, is victor over, it heals, it defeats all those things we seek protection from in this world, (or those things we have had no protection from) according to Romans 8:37. Even when we are still broken within, still resisting and blaming God, He is at work conquering those things that have come at us Philippians 1:6. The presence of God is greater than the trouble we face, so is it that maybe…just maybe…I should seek presence over protection? Should my prayers ask for His presence to be felt deeply, rather than for protection?

“Oh God, if I am honest, my first reaction is always going to be to ask for protection. Perhaps that’s human. But in the midst of the wrestle and ongoing confusion that presence versus protection produces, I ask You that I may experience Your presence, to sense it greatly in whatever circumstance I face. To see it evident in the things I have faced in my broken past – if indeed it is more powerful, having more potential – than to have my desire for protection answered. I long for the things You long for and see as good, and if presence is better, then help me to see that. Presence has been promised always, protection has not, and “He who promises is faithful” Psalm 145:13“.