Were you there?

How does one deal with the events of 15.3.19? 

If I were atheist, I could just blame the evil of man. And it would be as simple as that. But I am Christian – one who believes in both the Sovereignty and Perfect Love of God.

Sovereignty and Love struggle to mesh in my head when bad stuff happens, and instead of finding myself in possession of understanding and trust, there is an unsettling and perplexing turmoil within.

My head and my heart have been shattered by the force of emotions that have assaulted my country this week: the merciless killing of 50 of our people, in their house of worship, through one misguided man’s actions. Actions arising from an evil belief that his humanity was of greater worth than theirs. Not only did he take the lives of 50 people, but he also left many wounded, robbing families and friends of their loved ones, leaving thousands emotionally scarred, producing fear within, creating instability in the security of our country. How can you add up the damage, or count the lives that have been affected by this one man? And although there is seen around the country and the world, a coming together of peoples, a stand against racism, love instead of hate, forgiveness, a show of solidarity, damage has been done!

Not only have I been gut-sick, filled with disbelief and grief, I have also found myself quick to go to that place of confusion again. Quick to be tempted to blame God for the evil of man. Why do I do that? 

Like a lion loosed from its cage, angry and hungry, the questions about God is Love have clawed their way destructively through my mind, again. Ripping open wounds of confusion, again. Exposing the pain of living in a world of suffering and evil, again. Dragging me out of the peace I have had, and attempting to devour all I know to be true, again. I am trying to hold on to a faith that believes at its core that God is love.

I’m 37 Blogs in on this journey into understanding the love of God, and this past week the truth of this is severely tested. The questions that have been silenced somewhat by the things I have been learning, forming a new belief within, raise their screaming voices again – Why did this happen? Where were you? If you are God is Love, why did you not stop it? How can a powerful and loving God allow this horrific suffering? Did you turn your face away? Why did you abandon these people in their time of need? Did you not see the horror? Did you not hear the screams? Did you not watch as the blood flowed and life was taken?

And out from these questions come that underlying thought that I usually dare not voice, the one I leave hidden in the back of my mind. It pushes through any divine respect I have and today refuses to stay quiet, “God, are you cruel? To have the power to stop something, to claim to be all loving, and yet allow this tragedy to happen, labels you cruel. Doesn’t it?”

Doesn’t it?

Why is it that I am tempted to think God is cruel for this evil, when in fact it was humanity’s cruelty? The answer is always related to the confusion of, “If God, being all-powerful, is also a loving God, why does He allow evil and suffering?”

I don’t understand.

Yet my emotion while needing to be expressed, cannot be allowed for too long to have its way. The lion must be trapped and caught. You see, I do believe God is Love, and so the truth that my heart needs to listen to, rather than the roar of this unwelcome predator – in the confusion of all I have witnessed and felt this week – is truth that I know will settle and calm the rage, that will send the lion back into its cage, and bolt the door shut again, starving it of life and energy. It cannot and does not answer the question of suffering and evil. That will continue to remain unanswered for now, or at least remain clouded in uncertainty. All I can really do to deal with this tragedy is fall on what I do know. On what is clear. That which is without doubt. Truth that says,

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. Psalm 23:4 

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care…So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. Matthew 10:29,31

“[He is]…the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles”. 2 Corinthians 1:3 

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39

“For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.” Psalm 22:24

And in being here, with us, tells me this: here means present. It means that God, instead of sitting as removed and absent from us, steps down to be amongst us, walks alongside us in the messiness and brokenness and evil that we find ourselves in, grieves as we grieve, and refuses to let evil win. Jesus is “God with us” and having experienced all of what it is to be human, He remains close, identifies in our humanity, He is here with us.

As I await my emotions to settle into a place of safety again, though I may never be the same, I commit myself to this truth. For many, the confusion of this week will cause them to turn away. The questions too hard. The pain too great. 

While the shout of accusation is spat, God! Why? your whisper is heard, “Who do you say I am? Am I love or am I cruel? Am I an absent and abandoning God, or am I with you always? Am I good or am I evil? Will you believe or will you walk away?” And I must answer,  “Lord, to whom shall [I] go? You have the words of eternal life. [I] have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:68-69